Thursday, February 5, 2015

Not Finding Out {good or not so good}

Eight Weeks Old

When I found out I was pregnant, I wrestled with whether or not we should find out the gender or not at our ultrasound. I had always thought it would be fun to not know, but at that point in our life we really didn't know anything about our immediate future - where we would be living, where Hubs would be working, if we would start or buy a practice, etc - so it sounded nice to at least be able to plan one aspect of life.

I'm sure most of you that know Hubs think he is the Type A personality of the family, however I tend to be WAY more Type A. I love to plan things from our future, to a vacation, to a simple dinner party. So, when Hubs said he didn't want to find out, it was probably harder for me than him. But, I agreed and it was decided.

I know it isn't for everyone, but I really loved the experience of not knowing. So if you are ever considering either way, here are my thoughts about it:
  • After our 22 week ultrasound, I regretted not finding out. I mean, as a mother, shouldn't you want to know every bit of information about your child that you can? After a day of that, however, I was fine. That one day was the hardest it ever got to not know the gender.
  • One of my concerns was that I originally wanted our first child to be a boy, and I didn't want to be disappointed if it was a girl. Guess what - I wasn't disappointed at all.
  • Because I love to plan and I love to shop, knowing the gender of our baby would have tempted me to spend a lot of money getting her room ready and getting adorable Sperrys and Toms from Zulily. Instead, we spent our money on wiser purchases like a crib and dresser.
  • I was worried that our poor child would only be dressed in neutral clothing. But, people were oh so generous and brought us adorable girl clothes in the hospital and I even had a shower after Samantha was born, which, by the way, makes showers even more fun for the attendees!
  • It was fun to tell random strangers that I didn't know what I was having. It's not the mainstream thing to do, and I think that is why I liked it so much. People either responded with, "Good for you," or "I could never do that."
  • I'm sure there is a different type of anticipation during labor when you know the gender, but the anticipation for us was two fold - we wanted to meet our child and we also wanted to know if it was a boy or girl! When it was almost time, my doctor asked us to guess what it was. Hubs guessed boy and I guessed girl. I think all the nurses and doctors (all 8 of them that were in the room) had a little more fun, too, because they wondered what it would be!
  • It was fun and special to have Richard tell me it was a girl after she was born.
Ultimately, I think either way it is a surprise and it depends on the couple as to whether or not they should find out. But, if anyone were to ask me whether they should or not, I'd say to do it at least once. For our time in life, it was a really good thing to not find out. We had a lot of other things occupying our mind, so I didn't have to stress about having the room ready or having cute clothes (that all came after she was here).

If we have another child, will we do it the same way? I honestly have no idea!

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

What I didn't expect

I had decided to give this blog up, but Hubs doesn't want me to. So, we will see if I can post more frequently in the coming months.

Lots has changed in our life since I posted last. Actually, lots has happened that I haven't shared since June 2013. It's been a roller coaster ride for us, with lots of disappointments, questions, searching, unknowns and confusion. And that's about all I can share on this public blog, but as we begin 2015 it looks likes his year is going to start off with more of the same. But there was another major change in our life that I will post about.

We have a daughter! On December 8, Hubs and I stared in shock as a screaming baby girl was placed on my chest. We had been waiting for that moment for months, but when it actually happened it felt so surreal with so many thoughts and emotions all at once. She may look like a typical newborn, but we happen to think she is the most adorable child on the planet!

In the days that followed her birth, there were many things that I didn't expect. Many of those were things that other moms leave you in the dark about until after the baby comes, but I'm not going to get into those things on this blog. (A little heads up would have been nice, though, but I am starting to see how those memories can fade after a few weeks.)

But there was one thing I didn't expect that was surprising and lovely: I love Hubs even more than I did when I walked into that hospital. Which is saying a lot, because I loved him so much before! Going through the process of having our daughter, though, made me love my husband so much deeper. And that was a welcomed surprise.

Perhaps it was spending the time together while in labor - although I sent Hubs out for two hours to take Ransom to the dog park. It could have been the way Hubs was making sure I got the best care possible. Seeing Hubs look at our daughter for the first time had to contribute to it. And seeing him excited to hold her was part of it, too.

Hopefully this is what happens for everyone when they have a baby - that they love their husband 10 times more than they did before. Because I believe that one of the best things for our daughter is that we love each other.

As for the other things I didn't expect, well, this is such a new adventure for us that there is bound to be a lot to learn. The learning curve is high, but when we look at her we know that it is all worth it and are excited for the time we have to be her parents!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Are you sure?

Sometimes people will ask us, "Are you sure you are ready for this?" Or, "Just you wait." It's usually when they are changing a dirty diaper, or telling a story about how little sleep they get, or their child is disobeying, or just want to remind us that we aren't used to life with little people.

We always smile and say, "Yes."

I don't blame anyone for pointing out the changes we will face. We are well aware that our life will change drastically with the addition of our son or daughter. We know our life is simple and quiet and freedom abounds. And we also understand that we will have to make some changes, things might be rough for a while and sleep will not be near as peaceful as it once was.

But, I doubt everyone has put the thought into why we should have children as we have. Having children wasn't something we both wanted right away when we got married. We both figured that the desire would come later. For me, the desire came naturally and more quickly than for Hubs, and so we talked about it for a long time. We asked others, "Why did you have kids." People said different things: "We wanted to," or "We didn't make the decision," or "God commands it," or "Companionship." None of those were bad reasons.

Ultimately, we had to come to our own answers in our minds, though. And at some point, I knew mine.

One pastor said, "We need to raise our children to be martyrs for the Lord." At first that sounds depressing. I would never desire for anyone, especially my own child, to be martyred!! However, I do desire that my child's love for the Lord to be so great that they will follow Him at all costs.

Then, I started understanding the concept of being salt and light in the world. As salt, believers somehow preserve the world from become totally corrupted by the rottenness of sin. And as light, we stand out brightly in a world that is darkened. At that point I knew; I wanted to help raise the next generation of godly men and women. The goal of Christian parenting is not moral kids. Morality will change, we know that. If we create moral kids, they will change with morality. But our goal is to raise a generation of adults who is sensitive to the Holy Spirit, committed to God's Word and devoted to our King. I knew that whether we had biological, adopted or foster children in the future, I wanted this to be my aim.

This has been my prayer as we head into parenting. I know that it isn't going to be easy. That I don't understand all the things that will be hard. That this child will be as sinful as I am from day one. That my sinful self will keep me from loving him or her as God loves me. That I'll fail to put Christ on display. That I'll fail to live out the gospel in my child's life. But, we have eight years of figuring out our marriage that has set, what I think, is a good foundation for us to be parents. And we have lost two children that has made us cherish the life of this third one even more. So, yes we're ready.

And it is just lovely when someone tells us, "You're gonna love it."

"Just you wait..." We have waited.
"Are you sure you are ready?" Yes, I'm sure.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


Cancun Honeymoon (2006)

Today marks EIGHT years of our adventure as Hubs and Feath. We now look at our wedding photos and think, "We looked so young!" When we were married, we had no idea what the next years would hold, but I can say without a doubt that I love Hubs at least 100x more today than I did then.

Hawaii (2008)

I would feel a little lost without Hubs. I love having my best friend as my husband. There is nobody I'd rather talk about my day with, no one I'd rather spend my time with and no one I'd rather live life with. He challenges me to change, he encourages me to grow and he humbles me.

Israel (2011)

Long's Peak (2012)

We talked the other day about what we were like when we first got married. Hubs told me he felt bad for me having married him as he was eight years ago. I told him that I could very well say the same thing. But what is the neatest thing about our marriage is where we are today. We have changed each other in good ways. We have grown in our knowledge and love of the Lord. We have been able to learn and apply theology to our life and practically live it out. We have made God's Word our authority over any of our traditions or pre-conceived notions of what our family should look like. And what we have come up with is a marriage that we both work hard at and that we both love.

Ortho Residency Graduation (2013)

Being married has far surpassed my wildest expectations. There have been hard times and growing seasons, but never could I have imagined our relationship to have grown to the spot it is now. So today, I am doing the only thing I can. I am praising the Lord for what He has accomplished in our lives to this point. I am thanking Him for this marriage because I guarantee that neither of us would have created this on our own. And I am praying for our marriage over the next year as we add to our family and begin our newest adventure of parenthood!

Just 'normal' life (2014)

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

More than we can bear

Friends, I've alluded to our situation many times, but haven't given all the details. Because there are too many. Because the details are comically depressing. Because I keep thinking they will all fall into place and then I can tell the crazy story of our life. Because they raise our blood pressure. Because there is nothing you can say that we haven't said or anyone else hasn't said.

When we start down a path, thinking this is the direction we should go, we wait to tell people. Once we tell people, they begin to think that plan will happen. Then they tell people and soon our family, friends and acquaintances all are excited about our new plan. Then, something happens that ruins the entire plan and we are back at the beginning.

So, we don't get as excited in the beginning. We cautiously tell people the direction we are headed. And every time we have gotten to the point of being ready to take the plunge and as we jump, something grabs us and keeps us from getting into the pool.

I didn't think that would happen this time. But it seems to have done just that. And so, we are left wondering what is going on. What is the Lord doing? Will this ever end? Now what?

You can't imagine the thoughts, emotional highs and lows, stress and anxiety that has come to our lives. And, each time another situation comes up, we find out if our faith is true. How are we going to respond to these circumstances. How are we going to represent Christ? How are we going to show our trust in God's providence?

You may have heard people say, "God won't give you more than you can bear." That's ridiculous. Besides it taking 1 Corinthians 10:13 completely out of context, it also doesn't match up with the whole of scripture. Of course, God will give us more than we can bear so that we learn to lean on him for everything. If you could bear everything without Christ, then what is the reason for him?

So it is okay that we are overwhelmed and don't always feel like we can handle our situation. Christ was overwhelmed in the garden before He died. The psalmists are continually overwhelmed. So we follow the Lord's example and we go to God for our strength. We find He is faithful in the midst of whatever is in our life. We [hopefully] learn to lean on Him more than ever before. We  continue on each day mindful that our life is about His glory and not our own.

Our days are tough right now. Maybe not always on the outside, but in the quiet moments while we are driving or at home, and in our minds, we struggle. Sometimes we have no idea what we should do. We are overwhelmed.

I pray earnestly that this time in our life will come to an end. But I also pray that we would both be faithful each day, no matter what. That we will find joy in knowing Christ above all else, because knowing Him is a treasure far beyond all else.

Friday, May 30, 2014

The Past 12 Months

Hubs and I are excited to welcome an addition to our little family after 8 years of just Hubs and Feath! The Pups has no clue what is going to happen in December, but I'm guessing the two of them will be best friends someday. I did all I could to get him interested in the tiny Toms, but he couldn't care any less that adorable little shoes were leaning against his leg.

But, this is not our first pregnancy. It's actually our third. Last June, we lost our first child very early on in the pregnancy. We were shocked and sad, but we knew it was kind of common, and we were thankful that we could even get pregnant. We worked through the attributes of God and really found comfort and strength through knowing Him and who He is.

In September, we lost our second child. This one was a bigger shock for me and brought with it questions and unknowns. But after a day of numbness, I was brought back to the multitude of blessings found in Christ. I have Christ, and I knew if I never was able to have a child, I could find contentment and joy in Him. It was good for me to not just say this, but to have to work it out through my daily life.

After the second miscarriage, my body didn't recover like the first time. For three months I dealt with crazy hormones, minor pain and bruised arms from lots of blood tests. Finally, my body was back to normal and we were able to move on. We learned that I might have a hormone deficiency that could be causing the problems, but we also knew that there were no guarantees that it would ever work. I really had to think through what motherhood is all about. Is it about an experience that I need to have? Or is it about teaching the gospel to the next generation? (Which is an entirely different blog post!)

[Of course, all of this was going on during our saga of trying to find a orthodontic practice for Hubs.]

So, as we embark on this pregnancy, which seems to be normal and healthy, I find that the past 12 months has given me a different approach than what I would have had without those miscarriages. I find myself more reliant on the Lord, more grateful than before and less prone to complain about my circumstances.

I'm keenly aware of God's sovereignty in sustaining life. My life is nothing short of a walk of trust in the Lord each day. And although I think there could be some uncertainty and fear in that, I have instead found comfort. Who better to trust in that the Lord who paid for my life with His blood? No matter what happens, I am daily leaning on the solid rock who is my Savior.

I feel more grateful and full of thankfulness to the Lord for each day. Everyday I am thankful because I don't know what the next day holds. Part of me thinks that this won't actually happen - that I won't make it the entire pregnancy. I struggle sometimes with doubt and hold back excitement because of it. So daily, I remind myself to enjoy and be thankful for this day. I obviously pray about the future - for this person to love Christ more than anything else, for us to be faithful parents who talk about and live out the gospel to our kids, for health and safety. But, ultimately I am just thankful and grateful that God has given me this child and this opportunity to grow and know Him more.

I'm less prone to complaining. There are some great things about Facebook. But one of the awful things is the complaining that happens, especially when it comes to pregnancy. Maybe I was more aware of it due to our situation, but every time I saw a comment about a person wishing they weren't pregnant anymore, it made me sad. Sad for those women who struggle with even getting pregnant or keeping a pregnancy. When we see comments like that, we just want to beg you to be thankful for those difficult times.

"Complaining is the most serious of all spiritual threats because complaining puts yourself on the throne of God and says, 'I expect and deserve better than what you have dealt me in my life, God.'" - Rick Holland

So, although I can (and do) find plenty things to complain about and ultimately to bring attention to me and my situation, I am choosing my words, even my thoughts, carefully. I am trying to take those difficulties and turn them into reminders that I have so much in which to be thankful. And instead of grumbling about them, I am thanking the Lord for who He is and reveling in the amazingness of how He created us to bring new life into the world.

Isn't it great that God has chosen to use our lives to bring Him glory and conform us to the image of His Son? Ultimately, no matter what, we can rejoice that He remains faithful. My prayer and hope is that He finds me to be faithful in return.

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."  2 Timothy 2:13